DLYCBK! Etiquette. Know the basic communication rules #1

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Etiquette. Know the basic communication rules

/ˈetɪket/ /ˈetɪkət/, /ˈetɪket/ [uncountable] ​the formal rules of correct or polite behaviour in society, among members of a particular profession or in a particular area of activity. (Oxford Dictionary)

Etiquette, which boils down to basic manners are not difficult. It is about forming positive daily habits, which, with enough practice will become second nature to you, and contribute towards a positive way of how you are perceived.  

Please say ‘please and thank you.’ Thank you.

Basic manners are so easy, yet so difficult for some to remember. The basics of the basics is to say please when you ask for something and say thank you when you receive something.  This is something that was drilled into us (should be have been drilled into us) when we were little, why and where did it get lost along the way?

Please say ‘please’: some time ago I attended a meeting, the convener of the meeting was in a flat spin darting off orders here and delegating there to help get the meeting room set up. During all of her requests for assistance something struck me, not once during this time was there a ‘please’ in any of her orders. Yes, you may say that she was under pressure to get everything set up, however too busy to remember to say please? Seeing that the meeting was hosted at her house, my personal opinion is that she should have organised the set up well in advance. But, I do understand and respect that some people have their own way of doing things. But, regardless of how you decide to organise things, don’t forget your manners. The whole scenario reminded me of a quote by Bob Carter, ‘Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine.”

Personally, I think this person would have had a greater and quicker response rate from everyone if a ‘please’ was thrown into the mix of their requests.

Be grateful; a ‘thank you’ can mean a lot. Show gratitude when someone has done something for you; they have spent their valuable time and resources, often both, doing something for you. ‘Thank you’ is just as neglected as ‘please’, if not more.

When you visit someone’s house, you need to say ‘thank you’ for their hospitality. Saying thank you when you leave is fine, but it needs to be followed up, at minimum, with some kind of correspondence the next day, be it a phone call, text or WhatsApp. If you went over and you were offered any form of nourishment, then a thank you text or call is the right and in fact, non-negotiable, to do the next day. Speaking of going over to people’s homes, avoid arriving empty handed. The other person has gone to the trouble of preparing their place for your visit and allowing you into their sanctuary. It is just good manners to take something with you and it is a sign of respect for them and their home. It is then also important to reciprocate that invitation at some point. 

The other day I borrowed something from someone (lesson and note to self, do not borrow things from anyone). To say thank you for the loan of the item, I baked them a loaf of bread. I had felt very awkward about the whole borrowing thing, so ended up returning it and went to the local handyman to rent the item from them instead, which, in hindsight, I should have done from the outset. So, we live and learn. I neatly wrapped the warm bread in dish towel and popped over with the thank you gift.

Two weeks later, I had not received a word to say the bread was good, bad, horrendous, (insert any adjective here), or to be 100% honest, a ‘thank you’ for the homemade bread. This tickled me, just because this is not how I was brought up. In my world, when somebody gives you something, you say ‘thank you’. Yes, in my world you say thank you for a thank you gift (too petty?). I was not able to let it rest, so ended up asking whether the bread was, OK? The response, oh yes, it was lovely, they were just very busy! Too busy for good manners!? I do not think so. I do wonder what examples are being set by parents these days.

Clearly receiving things without saying thank you is the norm and children who see this as the example that is being set will just take it as the way things are done. There really is something powerful and important when it comes good old-fashioned manners. Good manners will never go out of fashion.

It is our responsibility to set the example.

On the flip side, I recently received a call from someone thanking me for a connection that I had made for them. This was totally out of the blue; I had totally forgotten that I had made the business introduction for them. For them to pick up the phone and to say thank you, means a lot. Now I know that it was appreciated and will look for even more opportunities to link that person up with. There is a great quote by Zig Ziglar: 'The more you are grateful for what you have the more you will have to be grateful for’.

Would love you hear your thoughts and stories!

DLYCBK!: An intro...

 

I've decided to do a series of blogs over the next few weeks, entitled: Don't let your communication be k@k! (DLYCBK!)

Before we go any further... I want to address the title of the series. Let’s be honest, it is a kak title! But, don’t you love the irony of it? (Naturally, my Mom is horrified, and has been wanting me to change it since she has heard what I’m calling it, sorry Ma! It's not changing).

 "What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?" ~ Vincent Van Gogh

Introduction

kak (ˈkʌk) [Afrikaans] (South African taboo) rubbish, nonsense, malarkey, garbage, faeces, shit. Collins Thesaurus of the English Language

Kak communication skills is the one thing that we all have in common. As with all things, some people are just so much more talented and naturally gifted at being kak communicators than others. Do you find that you tend to be more on the receiving end of someone flexing their kak communication muscle or, are you the kak communicator? Some things need to be learnt, while other things need to be unlearnt.

Having studied communication management was, I will admit, rather ironic, ask anyone from my previous (and in fact, current) relationships, and they would attest to the fact that verbal communication has never been my strong suite. I have been known to rely fairly heavily on telepathic communication in many instances. 

But, being fairly obsessed with building reputations over the last 20~odd years, the crux of a  reputation is relationship building which is driven by communication. This blog series is aimed at helping people to improve their communication skills.

The aim of the series is not to delve into the academics and theory of communication, ok, perhaps a bit, but the purpose is to look at the basics of communication, on a more personal and practical level to improve relationships. All the examples shared in the series, are based on my own personal experiences.

I have had some very interesting relationships and interactions in my life. Some magical, other disastrous. But, I have learnt something from every single one of them; the biggest lesson being that relationships are ruined by kak communication. They say that the same thing happens to you because there is a lesson that needs to be learnt. The lesson stops crossing your path only once you have learnt it. Often, these lessons are caused by poor, or let us just call it what it is, kak communication.

“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know,” Pema Chödrön

The DLYCBK! series includes advice on how to stop your kak communication and will cover:

• Etiquette. Know the basic communication rules. Please and thank you will never go out of fashion. Spell and pronounce names correctly, confirm meetings, show up for them and when you are invited to someone’s house, rock up with a gift.
• When not to communicate Steer away from communicating when you are tired, hungry, emotional, drunk, or only when you need something.
• How not to communicate Everyone has their ‘go-to’ channel of communication that they prefer. Looking at the different channels of communication for different scenarios and generations.  Did you know that different generations have their communication preferences?
• Communicating in the work environment
• Where to start It all starts with values, and respect for yourself and for others. Treat, and communicate with others like you want to be treated and communicated with, just don’t be kak)

Until next week, Don't let your communication be kak!

Book: Becoming, Michelle Obama

Thoroughly enjoyed this book. I didn’t know too much about Michelle Obama, except that I found her incredibly graceful and have a huge amount of respect for Barack Obama. This book gives a wonderful insight into her life and her relationship with Barack Obama, American politics and life at the White House. Years ago I had started to read The Bridge ~ The Life and Rise of Barack Obama, but found it incredibly cumbersome; I appreciated that it helped me to understand the complexity of American politics, but really didn’t enjoy it.

Michelle Obama comes across as very down to earth, really love and resonate with all her values and the way that she thinks and does things. I did have a giggle that she is super neat and tidy and Barack not so much (made me feel considerably better seeing that I lean more towards being more on the untidy side!).

What I found incredibly fascinating was, the security around the American president. It is obvious, but just never thought of it:

'Exactly on cue, something massive came around the corner: a snaking, vehicular army that included a phalanx of police cars and motorcycles, a number of black SUV’s, two armoured limousines with American flags mounted on their hoods, a hazmat mitigation truck, a counterassault team riding with machine guns visible, an ambulance, a signals truck equipped to detect incoming projectiles, several passenger vans, and another group of police escorts. The presidential motorcade. It was at least twenty vehicles long, moving in orchestrated formation, car after car after car, before finally the whole fleet rolled to a quiet halt, and the limos stopped directly in front of Barack’s parked plane.

I turned to Cornelius. “Is there a clown car?” I said, “Seriously, this is what he’s going to travel with now?”

He smiled. “Every day for his entire presidency, yes” he said. “It’s going to look like this all the time.”

I took in the spectacle: thousands and thousands of pounds of metal, a squad of commandos, bulletproof everything. I had yet to grasp that Barack’s protection was still only half-visible. I didn’t know that he’d also, at times, have a nearby helicopter ready to evacuate him, that sharpshooters would position themselves on rooftops along the routes he travelled, that a personal physician would always be with him in case of a medical problem, or that the vehicle he rode in contained a store of blood of the appropriate type in case he ever needed a transfusion.

What she and Barack did during their time as First Lady of the United States [FLOTUS] and President of the United States [POTUS] is just incredible.  

Highly inspiring and recommendable read.

Johnny Depp / Amber Heard debacle

 

Photo sourced: 

Some time ago I was asked to provide comment on the Johnny Depp / Amber Heard debacle. Here are my thoughts shared with the journalist:

What we learnt from the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp case, and the role of social media

The whole situation is abysmal, driven from a toxic relationship, with absolutely no winners, regardless of what the courts say.

Unpacking this appalling situation from a reputation management point of view:

I have always said that when it comes to building a reputation, it’s like comparing it to getting fit. The fitter you are the better you will feel, the more you get done, the quality of your life improves and in general, the people that you start hanging out with will contribute to your overall wellbeing. It does not mean you will never injure yourself or get sick, but, if you do, you will recuperate considerably quicker. When you have a good reputation, people want to be associated with you and your brand, they will spend their hard-earned cash on your products and services and give you the benefit of the doubt during trying times, because you are able to tap into your reputation stamina. We all know that it takes consistent effort over a fair period of time to get fit, and just one week of being lazy to set your fitness level back to a point where it feels like you need to start your fitness regime from scratch. The same goes for your reputation, you consistently need to build it, no slacking off.  And, as much as we wish we could, you can’t buy yourself fit or buy a good reputation, you need to put in the work.

Three of the key underlying contributors to a healthy and strong reputation are: respect, trust and authenticity.

With a better understanding behind building a reputation, here's my take on Depp and Heard.

Johnny Depp has built his reputation on an incredibly successful acting career, leveraging off the whacky, off beat, endearing, characters that people have resonated and loved for many years. He has never shied away from admitting to his alcohol and drug dependency, or that he really does not enjoy the limelight. Although he is not a squeaky-clean character, he is authentic, which equates to his strong, tenacious reputation.

Amber Heard has also built a reputation for herself, unfortunately, hers is built on being consistently inconsistent. The biggest thing tarnishing her reputation, is that she does not come across as authentic. In her court appearances, she lost a lot of respect with her verbal account of events, mannerisms, and inconsistencies in her story, all of which led us to question whether she can be trusted at all. Therefore, the three key pillars to a reputation: authenticity, respect and trust, appear to be missing in her case.  Sadly, her reputation fitness is dead in the water.

In an USA Today article published in May 2022, they raise the question about moral judgement. David Pizarro, a professor in the Department of Psychology at Cornell University shares, “The question about why we see different things in this case is deeply influenced by the moral judgment that we make first. That judgment kicks in a number of motivated processes. When you already want to believe something, you need less evidence to keep believing it and you're more willing to accept any evidence that is in favour of it without thinking more deeply about it. When you're presented with information that goes contrary to what you believe, then you actually start thinking more deeply about it in order to counterargue."

According to Pizarro's framework, if someone makes the moral judgment that Depp is likely an example of a man falsely accused, they will look for information that confirms that belief and evaluate it less carefully than the information that disproves it, which they have to work harder to dismiss. The same process occurs for the person who makes the moral judgment that Heard is likely an abused woman unfairly criticized by the public when she should be believed.

It's no denying that social media has and will always play a big role when it comes to building and ruining reputations.

Social media influences people’s opinions. It’s true, the bigger the marketing budgets, the more noise will be created. But just as you can’t buy fitness, you can’t buy your reputation either.

Social media played a massive part in this case.

In another USA Today article, they share that on TikTok, the hashtag #JusticeForJohnnyDepp had 19.5 billion views, while #JusticeForAmberHeard has 75 million. People will go out of their way to support the people that they resonate with and will actively look for information confirming their own beliefs, be it true or not. It is also important to mention that when people have a strong viewpoint to share, social media is the likely place where they will do this, adding to the views, likes, and shares of information that is already in circulation.

Money can’t buy you credibility if your foundation is built on being unauthentic, people will very quickly see through you and turn on you. Your campaign and reputation will fizzle out incredibly quickly if it is not built on authenticity, respect or trust.

Here's the Bizcommunity article

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Dear Afrihost...

Dear Afrihost,

As we head into day two of no emails and no website I can’t but wonder why don’t you have a crisis communication plan in place?

Is it that you don’t have a communication team or agency? Is it that they aren’t advising you, or, most likely, is it that you are not listening to their advice?

In a time of crisis, your stakeholders need to hear from you, more than ever before and be kept updated. Businesses are dependent on your services. Three generic social media posts does not cut it.

At minimum, you have everyone’s alternative, non-Afrihost email addresses. Your CEO Gian Visser has been close on to spamming my Yahoo email address in the last week with some or other ‘free’ promotion. You should also, have a data base of your client’s mobile numbers, so you should be able to use WhatsApp effectively to give regular updates.

Keep your stakeholders informed. Even, if you don’t have all the details, a bit of communication is better than the absolute crickets we’re receiving at the moment.

It does not have to be long correspondence either:

Here’s what we need to know:

• Explain what happened.
• Very importantly, is our data safe? Has it been compromised? Should we be worried?
• What is the progress? (Even if you don’t know say so)
• What alternatives do you recommend?

Provide regular updates. Then once it is resolved, don’t stop your communication there, let us know what you will be doing to prevent this from happening again.

The absolute lack of communication shows that you don’t respect your stakeholders, and this will definitely impact your reputation incredibly negatively, and it will take a lot of time, resources and money to try and rebuild it.

Another tip, stop promotions, the last thing that your customers who are desperate to get emails want to hear, is from Gian promoting a free offer. We want to hear from Gian, but we want to hear directly from him how this crisis is being resolved.

In this day and age, to not have a crisis communication plan in place is inconceivable.

But, clearly you don’t, so here are the basics:

ONE: Have a plan. In the ideal world, everyone would already have a crisis communication plan in place having scenario planning plotted out with high risk / high impact; high risk / low impact etc. identified. Part of the plan would include:

• Who the key stakeholders are that need to be communicated with; 
• How: The channels of communication to be used and, 
• What the key messages need to be.

The minute there is a crisis, everyone should know who needs to communicate what to whom. It’s very important to have a clear spokesperson during the crisis: this person should ideally be the leader of the organisation, in this instance, Gian Visser.

But, having a plan in place of how to engage with your key stakeholders should at minimum include: employees, customers, shareholders and suppliers. 

TWO: Be responsive and give timeous feedback. Many livelihoods are dependent on conducting business via their websites and emails. Communication is key. 

THREE: Keep stakeholders updated.  Give regular updates. Even just a WhatsApp to give a progress update is better than hearing absolutely nothing from you.

FOUR:  The message needs to be clear and consistent. Have your protocols been compromised, is our data safe? Tell the truth. Pull the plaster. If things have been compromised, educate your stakeholders what it means, what is being done to rectify the situation and what can the consumer do so long. Not hearing from you, we do think worse case scenario.

FIVE: In any crisis, empathy is very important. Whenever there is a crisis, people are impacted and especially livelihoods. Be sure to highlight that in any communication. Although you currently rating zero on the empathy scale with your non communication.

SIX: Keep in simple. We don’t need technical explanations, just the basics and progress updates.

SEVEN: Take action, and share what it being done.

Reputations are built on trust, respect and authenticity. Your reputation is teetering on the edge or disaster.

Regine le Roux
Managing Director
Reputation Matters
021 790 0208
083 302 1528
regine@reputationmatters.co.za

If you need to email me, my alternative email addresses are:

regine@rebagreuse.com

regine_le_roux@yahoo.com