Feedback on feedback

 

Photo via https://unsplash.com/photos/V5vqWC9gyEU

The other day someone gave me feedback on a radio interview that I had conducted. It was brutal.

It’s undeniable, feedback is crucial. As Bill Gates says, “We all need people who will give us feedback. That's how we improve.”

What is important is the manner in which you give and receive feedback. I was crushed when I first read it. It’s not my intention, and it most certainly won’t help me, if I just surrounded myself with people who only provided positive feedback. There would be absolutely no growth and improvement in that.

But, feedback should not be so severe that the person feels totally deflated; it should inspire them to find ways to do things better. Especially if it's unsolicited feedback. 

When I was part of Toastmasters many years ago, I learnt about the ‘sandwich’ technique of giving feedback; you start off with something positive, then something constructive followed by positive reinforcement to end off with so that it’s not all too negative or too positive. It also helps the person giving the feedback to seek out positive and/or constructive feedback if their feedback errs on the side of being too positive or negative. Ending with something positive also helps to reduce anxiety for the recipient.

This whole experience made me re-realise the importance of being kind. Whether giving or receiving feedback.

Being on the receiving end, I was tempted to jump on my high horse and try and justify every line item of criticism (the list was long). I was very tempted to also send this person scathing feedback on their feedback skills.

I did a bit of research on the sandwich technique and the Harvard Business Review says that this technique undermines your feedback, Forbes magazine does not recommend it either. It is however, my opinion, that feedback should not all just be negative, and criticism of a person. It needs to be constructive and balanced with positive sentiments.

But, I decided against retorting, so, just thanked them for their time and later worked through each line item. The feedback was valuable and I do appreciate the time they took to give it. I do however reckon that I would have been more inclined to work through their feedback sooner and take it to heart if it was marginally kinder.

I do still feel that I should give them feedback on their feedback skills. 

It was a good lesson to be more mindful of my own actions and feedback. 

When you do give feedback, is it genuinely to help the other person, or, is it to make yourself feel superior because you have a grudge to bear? Instead of giving feedback for the sake of feedback, take a few minutes to get your thoughts in place and decide what you truly want to achieve. Be mindful of how it may be interpreted and received. 

What do you think? To sandwich or not to sandwich when giving feedback?

Audiobook review: Atomic Habits, James Clear

 

It’s an easy audio to listen to, and I worked through it relatively quickly. The concepts discussed are very similar to Darren Hardy’s, The Compound Effect. It was a good refresher.

James Clear very accurately shares that it’s not goals that are the problem, everyone has goals, e.g. each and every Olympian has a goal to win. What sets you apart is the system to achieve that goal. I’m pretty obsessed with ‘step by step’ documents and ticking things off a list, so his way of thinking about success definitely resonated with me.

The way that we articulate things also has a big impact on success. For example, instead of saying that you are on a diet, rather change your mindset to a thin person, in other words, ask yourself, “What would a thin person do?”.

Habits need to be obvious, attractive, easy and satisfying.

We need to make it easier to form habits, e.g. to eat healthier, don’t put the apples in the bottom drawer of the fridge, put them in a bowl on a table so that it’s easy to get to them.

Habit + deliberate practice = mastery 

Professionals stick to a schedule; amateurs let life get in the way.

One of the key lessons from the book was that you need to fall in love with boredom; be endlessly fascinated by doing the same thing over and over. This is a massive stumbling block for me as I get very easily bored with things. I have learnt that I love starting things, but seeing things through to the end are incredibly challenging. But, I do find that when I put checklists in place to tick off each day, then that definitely helps to reach a goal.

Highly recommendable book.

 

 

“Nice” is not so ‘nice’

 

Pic credit: Dictionaries of synonyms - copyeditor.se

“Nice”. Whenever I hear the word ‘nice’, I am immediately transported back to my Standard Three (Grade 5) class at Arcadia Primary in Pretoria, with Mrs Kramer sharing her (sometimes quite violent) disdain for the word ‘nice’.

‘Nice’ is not a word that you included in your essays or speeches unless you were up for humiliation in front of the whole class. Oh, the terror of it! This did force you to quickly learn better adjectives when describing anything.

The other day while watching a show where people were investing a ton of money into their dream home, I was flabbergasted at the frequency they were using the word ‘nice’ to describe some of the most impressive spaces imaginable. ‘Oh, that’s a nice… kitchen, garden, bedroom <insert any space>…’, it was incredibly irritating, and rather disappointing that these remarkable spaces were being reduced to a ‘nice’. All I was thinking every time I heard them gushing about how ‘nice’ the place was, was ‘read a book!” and appreciating Mrs Kramer’s violent tendencies towards the word more and more.

But! Since seeing the program and being mindful of just how judgemental I had become, I realised with much shock and horror, how often I was using the word! It is just so true, the things that irritate you about others, is more often than not what irritates you most about yourself. Every time I now hear myself or anyone else saying ‘nice’, it’s as if an alarm goes off in my head, and quite honestly, I am sure that I see red! Pretty much what I imagine Mrs Kramer saw all those years ago.  

It’s such a lazy word. Every time I hear it or hear myself saying it I just think to myself, ‘Read more!’, that is one of the sure fire ways to help expand your vocabulary.

At Reputation Matters my team is encouraged to read at least one book a month. Believing in leading by example it’s my personal aim to read at least two books a month.  (Although, with that said I clearly need to read considerably more if I want to reduce the amount of times I say 'nice'. 'Like' and 'Absolutely' are right up there with the words that I use far too often).

Vocabulary impacts your success. As Jim Rohn, American entrepreneur, author and motivational speaker, so aptly says, "Vocabulary enables us to interpret and to express. If you have a limited vocabulary, you will also have a limited vision and a limited future." He adds, “Don’t just read the easy stuff. You may be entertained by it, but you will never grow from it."

Start focussing on how many people use the word ‘nice’, and you’ll quickly realise just how often it is (over)used, and hopefully it will also start irritating you just as much. 

What is the one word that you think is overused and needs an immediate replacement?

#launguage #nice #nicenotnice 

Audiobook review: Never split the difference, Chris Voss

Thoroughly enjoyed this audiobook. The content is simple, yet not always that easy do to. I want to listen to it again as there’s a lot of valuable tips and insights.

Chris Voss is a former FBI Hostage negotiator. Every chapter starts off with a hostage drama. He then gives examples of how to use these skills in the business world.

I particularly liked his explanation of ‘tactical empathy’. This is the deliberate influencing of your negotiating counterpart’s emotions for the ultimate purpose of building trust-based influence and securing deals.

As he explains, we need to get over our fear of negotiating. Everything in life is a negotiation; it’s about asking in the right way. You get what you ask for, but, you have to ask for it in the right way. Negotiation is communication with results. Never be needy for a deal.

Here are seven tips from Chris Voss via Masterclass.com

1. Show the other side that you are negotiating in good faith. The idea is to demonstrate that you are not here to deceive or exploit the other side—sometimes showing deference can be key.

2. Be genuinely interested in what drives the other side. Understanding their goals, motivations, wants, and fears will help you navigate the negotiation effectively. An authentic connection with your negotiating partner will help lead to an optimal outcome for both parties.

3. Take emotions into consideration. Negotiators used to assume that eliminating emotion from the process would create the most logical (i.e., best) outcome. But what we understand now through neurological research is that there is no way to cut people’s feelings out of the process. Nor is it desirable to do so. In reality, suppressing emotions—specifically negative emotions—will hurt the process.

4. Build trust-based influence through the use of tactical empathy. By appealing to your counterpart’s emotions, you can build rapport, mutual understanding, influence, and—ultimately—deals.

5. Work to deactivate negative feelings. Fear, suspicion, anger, aggression, and distrust will impede the negotiation. From a neurological standpoint, this means you should work to defuse activity in the amygdala, the part of the brain that houses those feelings. Watch for body language that indicates negative feelings, and, when you notice it, focus again on using tactical empathy.

6. Aim to magnify positive emotions. People are actually smarter when they’re in a positive frame of mind. Building trust, comfort, and rapport will help you accomplish your goals. It will also benefit you to abandon the whole notion that “they’re crazy.” Know that the other side has a rationale, motivations, and some strong feelings for wanting what they want—even though their goals may be diametrically opposed to yours.

7. Keep an eye out for black swans. Another crucial element in negotiation is the existence of black swans—those seemingly innocuous pieces of information that, once revealed, can change the entire negotiation process. Imagine this: You’re a vendor, and you’re sitting across the table from the executives at a company that has been failing to pay you for your goods and services in full and on time. As you press for an ironclad payment schedule, your knowledge that the company posted record profits last quarter—aka your black swan—could boost your position immensely. It’s much harder to defend late payments when everyone at the table is aware that business is booming.

Highly recommendable book.